"My daughter won't talk to me — she's wasting away." "My son gets angry every time I bring up my concerns that he's eating more than his body needs." "I hear her vomiting every time she leaves the dinner table." "She says that she's fine, but I know that she's not."
Do these scenarios sound familiar? How can it be that one can suddenly go from being a happy-go-lucky child to an anxious, withdrawn and sad individual who seemingly is angered by everything you say? Perhaps the eating disorder started after a breakup of a relationship, bullying at school, transitioning to high school or even an innocent attempt to drop a few pounds?
It feels like a stranger has literally taken over your child's mind and is pushing them further and further away from you. Ironically, parental instincts that once worked like a charm are no longer effective. The eating disordered individual is emotionally fragile, easily angered, guarded and even seems paranoid at times. So how do you help? What do you say? What if they don't want help?
Eating disorders are not something to be taken lightly. If left untreated, eating disorders can be life threatening. In fact, eating disorders have the highest death rate of all psychiatric illnesses.
Find a Treatment Team
It's tempting to believe that if you watch them like a hawk, monitor their meals and/or exercise and follow them to the restroom, the unhealthy behaviors will stop. Unfortunately, your child's behavior is serving a meaningful purpose in their life that has yet to be discovered. If your child feels micro-managed, they likely will intensify the behaviors, become more secretive or try new strategies.
I suggest that parents find an eating disorder specialist that they trust and tell their child that they love them and want them to meet with someone who can assist them with the stress that might be impacting their self-image and eating habits. A team approach is critical. A dietitian, medical doctor, and possibly a psychiatrist, should all be introduced into the treatment as soon as possible.
Focus on Their Heart Versus Their Appearance
Commenting on physical appearances can be a no-win situation. I encourage ALL parents to focus comments on your child's intrinsic value versus their looks. Catch your child doing something kind and tell them you appreciate their loving heart. If they ask you questions about their appearances, let them decide for themselves. View questions about their body as an indication that something else is troubling them.
Be a Healthy Role Model
If you discuss your own weight or exercise program, they will follow suit. Exercise in moderation doing things that you enjoy. Adopt an attitude that all foods are acceptable in moderation. Your child notices when you miss meals or label foods as "taboo" or "bad."
Look for the Shades of Gray
Eating disordered individuals tend to subscribe to "all or nothing" thinking. Help your child to find the "shades of gray." If you can recognize that they are talking in extremes, point out "that sounds like all or nothing thinking" and challenge them to find the exceptions to what they have just said.
Routine, Routine, Routine
During recovery, structure in your child's daily routine is extremely important. Having meals at predictable times, knowing plans and being in a familiar environment can all make your child feel safer and more relaxed. Discuss upcoming plans, schedule changes and travel with your treatment team so that these things can be discussed and prepared for in advance.
Unconditional Positive Regard
Your child's self-esteem is fragile right now. It is so critical that guilt, punishments or bribes are not utilized to promote recovery. Eating disorders are an illness, not a choice. Say things such as "I love you and I want to help you to love yourself." The more they feel our love combined with our commitment to keeping them safe, the easier it will be for them to slowly learn to love and accept themselves.
Understand Their Triggers
Gently explore what triggers their eating disorder. Remember, eating disorders are a coping mechanism. If you can assist your child in recognizing that they restrict, binge, purge, etc. when they are stressed, then they can be encouraged to address these situations directly. Sometimes just spending time with them watching a movie, walking the dog or hanging out will help them to decompress.
Encourage Healthy Coping
Journaling, drawing, knitting and prayer are just a few examples of healthy behaviors that can provide an outlet for emotional distress. The goal is to focus on activities that have nothing to do with food, exercise, fashion, appearances or weight.
Recovery is for Real
Yes, I do see clients recovering from eating disorders every day! Having been blessed to do this work for over 20 years, I've had the opportunity to see clients grow up and have beautiful lives — loving themselves, getting married, excelling in careers and creating families. Family support and love is a gift you can give your child. With a good team and a commitment to treatment, miraculous changes and growth can occur.